The objective: Reduce the inflammation underlying most of your distress. Regulate mood swings, cleanse digestive system, treat acne, rapidly lose annoying water weight plus any excess weight related to tummy issues.
Although there is sound medical research behind The Insane Bitch PMS Diet, it is not doctor-approved, so proceed at your own risk. Skip the prescription meds if you don’t need them, and sensibly manage your caffeine intake. This diet is guaranteed to have you running to the bathroom every 20 minutes. Average weight loss by end of 24 hour period: Two pounds.
Warning: You’ll still be an insane bitch. And that’s okay.
6:30 am
Naproxen Sodium (2 Alleve, painkiller with anti-inflammatory properties that lasts 8 hours. May substitute with Advil or Motrin, but you’ll need to take them every 4 hours)
Minocycline (prescription antibiotic for acne, anti-inflammatory)
Zyrtec (prescription allergy med, anti-inflammatory)
Zantac (over-the-counter acid reducer, anti-inflammatory)*see note below
1 large glass of water
7:00 am
Yogurt (soy based; I recommend avoiding dairy products)
Watermelon
1 large glass of water
Diuretic (water pill, caffeinated or not. Estroven PMS is caffeine-free)
Calcium w/Magnesium capsules (vegetarian, not necessary if you use Estroven PMS)
11:30 am: STOP ALL CAFFEINATED EVERYTHING!
Spinach Salad (don’t eat any croutons, bread or crackers)
Pineapple (or other alkaline fruit)
Decaffeinated Green Tea (brewed, not bottled)
Laxative (herbal)
1 large glass of water
2:30 pm
Naproxen Sodium (2 Alleve)
Berries (may subsitute any low-sugar alkaline fruit or vegetable)
Decaffeinated Green Tea (brewed)
Estroven PMS (caffeine-free diuretic and vitamin supplement)
1 large glass of water
6:30 pm
Sushi
1 glass of “green” juice with spirulina
Multivitamin (always try to take your vitamins with food)
9:30 pm
Fruit, Vegetable, and/or a little bit of soy yogurt
One or two small pieces of dark chocolate (optional)
Naproxen Sodium (2 Alleve)
Minocycline (prescription antibiotic)
Zantac (over-the-counter acid reducer and anti-inflammatory)
1 small glass of water
Prescription acne topical(s) (I use a topical antibacterial called Clindamycin)
Mario Badascu Drying Cream directly on zits (anti-inflammatory, may substitute with Calamine-, salicylic acid-, or sulfur-based topical)
Follow diet for three days or until you get your period, whichever comes first. If you are going to cheat, go all the way, and make sure it’s with something (or someone) wonderful. Don’t beat yourself up over it afterwards.
Meanwhile, don’t kill anyone, because that’s bad. Do not, under any circumstances, have a “talk” with your spouse or lover. Actually, try not to talk to anyone unless you have to. Inflammatory physical conditions trigger inflammatory emotional ones (and vice-versa). Trying to unsay something that has been said, or trying to delete something from the internet, is akin to recreating a stick of butter after you’ve melted it: It can’t be done! Consequently, don’t send any angry emails, and do not flame trolls on other people’s websites. Embarrassment is another kind of inflammation you can’t afford right now.
Although you may be tempted to drink yourself to oblivion, it’s extremely important that you avoid alchoholic beverages for a few days. It mixes badly with the Alleve, plus it’s high-calorie and highly inflammatory in any case. Go outside and look at the tweety-birds instead. Find an animal and pet it.
This too shall pass.
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*NOTE: I have a doctor who says medical practitioners are starting to recommend to folks with allergies that they take an over-the-counter Zantac with their allergy pills. Each type of pill stops a different inflammatory response. Also, if you are a frequent user of antacids, you may be having adverse food reactions to supposedly “harmless” foods such as bread, milk, eggs, etc. It might be worth looking into.
13 responses so far ↓
Simon // June 9, 2006 at 11:22 am |
This diet scares me. I would not take it myself.
KassyK // June 9, 2006 at 12:49 pm |
Is this bonafide?
I just finished my monthly but I may just try this next time. I am less bitchy but more emotional. Crying at Ipod commercials. Not normal.
hedonisticpleasureseeker // June 9, 2006 at 12:57 pm |
Totally bonafide in my head because I made it up. It's fruit, vegetable, tea, fish, and rice-based. In other words, harmless. Note the total absence of wheat and dairy (the yogurt I eat is soy-based, but I suppose regular yogurt is okay).
I'm convinced most PMS stress is inflammation-related, and there is plenty of medical evidence out there to support my assertion. Any medical folk out there, feel free to chime in!
Kassy, you might be too young to remember the long-distance phone company commercials of the 1980's. I used to cry during those! Now I don't watch TV, so that problem is solved. So now I just cry, randomly.
Funny though, have you noticed you are just as likely to cry over something HAPPY? And perhaps we should ask ourselves, is this so bad? To be so wide-open we can be touched like that?
Now I'm gonna cry. Shit.
alphabitch // June 9, 2006 at 1:39 pm |
My insane bitch PMS diet involves mostly switching from Sierra Nevada Pale Ale to gin, to address that awful bloated feeling you get. Or if it’s cold out I’ll drink this godawful PMS tea crap someone gave me once, which is improved slightly by the addition of bourbon. Plus I eat whatever I want, whenever I want it.
Oh, and I usually buy shoes, too, but I do that even when I’m not PMStifyed.
That’s a great point you make, though, about not killing anyone. It’s harder than you’d think, but you’re so right that it’s just bad. I’m going to try adding that to my regimen (although it’s sort of a moot point since I don’t get regular periods any more).
Careful with alla those NSAIDs, though. They’ll mess up your liver, and you’ll be needing that. You’re right on about the inflammatory nature of PMS, though.
Oh, and PS — I think I got interrupted the other day responding to you about Minneapolis. We’ve certainly been in some of the same places, though I’m not sure about the timing, etc. You can email me at mpls -at- alphabitch -dot- org if you want to talk more about it.
hedonisticpleasureseeker // June 9, 2006 at 2:20 pm |
Agreed on the NSAIDS!!!!! I never take them for more than a couple of days at a time.
And although I WANT to drink more when I have PMS, I know I shouldn’t: Alcohol is EXTREMELY inflammatory. But if I’m gonna drink while PMSing, I’m staying home and drinking the good stuff, and a lot of it.
Important note: Never mix alcohol and painkillers, even Tylenol. Bad Bad Bad. Pick your painkiller up front and stick with it!
Pony // June 9, 2006 at 2:24 pm |
Pain and bloating (in healthy menstruating women) are caused by prostaglandins, and naproxyn is an anti-prostaglandin.
http://www.muhc.ca/media/news/?ItemID=20319
My coping strategy for pain and bloating during almost 50 years of menstruation before a natural menopause was exercise. Hard, regular exercise. Having orgasms then is good too. When the uterus contracts (if like me you are lucky enough to have that little perk to your orgasms) the body releases pain managing hormones, like endorphins, but other too.
{And the latter is why women should never have hysterectomies unless than have frank, diagnosed cancer. No ‘preventive’ hysterectomies!}
Pony // June 9, 2006 at 2:32 pm |
….one of the reasons. I got carried away there. ; )
hedonisticpleasureseeker // June 9, 2006 at 3:34 pm |
Dang Pony, I looked it up, and you are correct!!!
“Antiprostaglandin medication, such as ibuprofen, naproxen, mefenamic acid (Ponstel) have been shown to be very effective in reducing several PMS symptoms, including mood swings, headaches and other premenstrual pain. ”
And here I thought I just made it up! I knew Alleve was an anti-inflammatory like Advil, but I prefer Alleve because it lasts longer. I focused on inflammation because I never heard of prostaglandin
Now that I’m taking the time to research what’s new in the medical field with regard to PMS, I probably should remove chocolate from the Insane Bitch PMS Diet (booooooooo!) and add Vitamin E and Primrose Oil. I used to take Primrose Oil a long time ago but it was sooooo expensive. Perhaps times have changed.
Pony // June 9, 2006 at 6:42 pm |
According to a friend who worked in the lab that developed Evening Primrose Oil some years ago it’s all a scam. Hey. He didn’t write the label. He was just a lab jockey.
Don’t give up the chocolate. Life’s too short.
But I’d sure give up the laxative and add some fibre, like maybe a couple apples, because fibre is going to take a lot of water with it when it leaves.
hedonisticpleasureseeker // June 10, 2006 at 1:01 pm |
I put the dark chocolate back in the diet and made it optional.
Laxatives can definitely be abused, but I only use the “gentle herbal” type because an apple just won’t cut it during these times. For me, I mean: An apple might be just the ticket for someone else!
It seems that right before my period my body jealously retains EVERYTHING . . . particularly the crap I don’t want. Pardon the pun.
Pony // June 10, 2006 at 5:16 pm |
1/4 cup your favourite crunchy granola
1/4 cup your favourite plain yogurt
1 tablespoon slivered almonds
1 grated apple (preferabley Orin, which tastes I kid you not, like a candied apple)
2 tsps ground flax seed
2 tsps bran flakes
Every morning, and …
“Nevermore” quothe the raven.
KassyK // June 10, 2006 at 5:22 pm |
HA! I do remember those commercials and I do find it interesting that the happy things make us emotional as well…I’m bookmarking this post for next month
Missed you at Happy Hour.
TGIF: Babe in Toyland « The Hedonistic Pleasureseeker // May 2, 2008 at 2:23 am |
[...] is the kickoff of my 3 day spa detox program, loosely based upon my Insane Bitch PMS Diet and the Master Cleanse. have so many new toys to play with I don’t know where to [...]