Small Fast Plane, Part 3: Getting Ready

We’d been pen pals for a few months. I had refused to fly out to meet him because I’m bored with the whole long-distance upscale dating scene. I felt it time for something a little more real, something a little more close to home. Adventure is great, sure, but once it becomes repetitive it no longer counts as adventure. Rather, it becomes a chore and I become tempted to charge by the hour for my precious time. And we’re just not gonna go there, are we?

But the man was persistent. Since he was now going to extraordinary lengths to finally meet me, I thought it only fair that I take special pains to look my best on our First Date. Believe me, spending my hard-earned cash, including using my vacation time to turn myself into eye candy for a man is turning into a special pain indeed, and I’m getting to the point where I refuse to do it anymore. However, I do have some advice for the aspiring upscale dater who doesn’t mind playing the sexbot-commodity role for fun, love and/or profit. This one is for the sexay lay-days!

Face Potions: With the exception of Retin-A which may only be obtained with a prescription, wrinkle products don’t work, so don’t waste your money. Sunscreen (I use Neutrogena Ultra Sheer with Helioplex) and Retin-A are the only topicals you need if you care about facial aging. I’ll leave the laser, Botox and Restylane decisions up to you, as they are the ONLY ways to get rid of the wrinkles you may already have. Up until recently I’ve been doing all three.

Makeup: A man, even a very rich one, cannot tell if your makeup is expensive. With the exception of your foundation, which needs to match your skin tone exactly, you can afford to buy all your makeup at the local drugstore. I use Physicians Formula (found in drugstores) and Bare Minerals foundations for everyday, but will splurge on Chanel foundation for special nights. The look to aim for is the one he won’t notice; i.e., the carefully studied fake-natural look. Stick with neutral colors.

Hands: Unless he’s an odd sort who fetishizes fake nails, a man cannot tell whether or not you had your nails done at the salon or by a friend, or by yourself using supplies you bought at the local drugstore. I do my own nails and prefer Opi, Revlon Colorstay, and Sally Hansen products in neutral and light colors. Save the bronze and coral for summer! He will notice if you chew your nails or if your polish is chipped, so use clear polish if you are in a hurry. Besides, if you’re dating “old money” (money that’s been in the family for at least three generations), he thinks brightly-colored nailpolish and overly-long nails look tarty anyway.

Feet: He will notice if your feet are nasty, so if there is even half a chance he’ll be seeing them, for gods sake get a pedicure! I swear by Sally Hansen Smoothing Foot Scrub. You need to be perfectly groomed from head-to-toe.

Hair: He cannot tell whether your haircut cost $30 or $300. He doesn’t care, either. He only wants your hair to be touchable and elegant.The more gel and spray you use, the less he will like your hair (and if you start dating him seriously, you will annoy the shit out of him if you spend hours in front of the mirror fussing with it). I do my own hair and use a minimal amount of styling products. I’m especially parial to the Garnier Fructis line (you can find it at your local grocery store), but splurge on Bumble and Bumble Creme de Coco shampoo and conditioner when I’m feeling rich. I haven’t felt rich enough yet to splurge on the Oscar Blandi Jasmine Hair Oil but it smells heavenly!

Clothes: Dresses are so underrated in this modern age that many women have no clue as to their seductive effect. Use this little bit of wisdom to your advantage and wear them often! They need not be expensive, but they need to fit perfectly, so find a good tailor. Unless a man is seriously into fashion, and by that I mean in the fashion business or flaming gay, he will be unable to tell the difference between a well-fitting cheap dress and an expensive one. A few times I’ve even gotten away with little cocktail numbers costing me about $20 apiece, found on the back clearance rack at some off-price store. They were basic black, classic, and able to pass as expensive. Wear them over and over because he’ll never remember what you wore before anyway.

Lingerie: Just go for the no VPL (no visible pantilines). The fancy panties and high-end hose you see above are a personal indulgence, nothing more! The man never saw them in any case. First date, remember? Later, if he expects to find LaPerla under your dress, let him finance it!

(Dress from the Victoria’s Secret catalogue, shoes by Nine West)

The bottom line is that your upscale dating getup need not be expensive to be effective, and by effective I mean you’ll make his jaw drop but he’ll still be proud to introduce you to his friends and family. He wants you look super-hot, but it needs to be the right kind of hot, and it is absolutely necessary to maintain that perfect balance between sexy and elegant.

SEXY: A look that will allow him to imagine what you’ll look like naked without trying too hard. Since men think about sex a gazillion times a day, this won’t take much effort at all so long as you’re projecting the appearance of a pretty woman in her childbearing years. Something soft that follows the outline of your body will do the trick. You do not need to expose a lot of flesh unless you’re in the tropics.

Showcase only one major body part at a time: A heaving bosom, a muscular back, a creamy thigh, and keep everything else covered up. If you expose too much, you’ll no longer look . . .

ELEGANT: Elegance is the look that will raise his social status in the group he aspires to be a part of. I’m talking about his world, not yours, and it can vary from state to state, and from one subculture to another. Do your research! Bright colors are very popular in the deep south, while dark neutrals still rule the day in the northeast. If you’re ever at a loss, take your cues from the outdoor landscape (a truism on so many levels, but let’s stay on topic).

I am sorry to report that in the early stages of dating, falling in love is probably the very last thing on a man’s mind. Your date cares more about what his peers think of him than about you, or what you think of him. For a man, dating is about more than just finding a reliable place to park his penis. A beautiful woman is a status symbol, just like a Rolex watch or a Mercedes convertible. Later, if he encounters your humanity and - gasp! - OMG! - falls in love! - it will probably be by accident.

Your choice of dress, hair and makeup must be appropriate to your climate, your surrounding landscape, the social class you are associating with, and the occasion. You must never, ever, ever look as though you are trying too hard. If you are ever at a loss for what this means for you, always, always ask someone in the know. Ask another woman attending the same function, call the concierge, visit the restaurant beforehand, Google the place or event, do anything, just ask. This scene from Bridget Jones’ Diary drives my point home better than I ever could: Don’t let this happen to you! There will always be unpleasant surprises and rude awakenings while dating, especially when the stakes are very high. However, no matter what happens, follow my advice and at least you’ll look smashing when it happens . . .

(to be continued . . .)

PS: Happy HNT, everyone!!!!!