Road House Quiz

Since my wrists are still killing me, today let me feature a blog post from my sister, Jenniferesque, who I admit is much much funnier than I am:

Road House Quiz

Those who know me know of my unabashed penchant for bad movies (I am quite hesitant to call them films). One of my favorite bad movies of all time is Road House. I mean, come on—anything that has Patrick Swayze, phrases like “You’re gonna be my regular Saturday night thing,” mock turtlenecks, kung-fu fighting in tight sweats, and extremely bad “blues” music played by white folks—you just can’t beat that.

So, when I read on some random blog somewhere that Road House 2 was not only coming out, but going directly to DVD, I was in full swoon. I just knew it had to be a new classic. I now own both movies. Yep. The whole Criterion Collection. You can come watch Road House 2 with me—on one condition. You must pass the Road House (one) test. It’s a test I made up myself. Only by passing this test can you progress to the second level…No cheating.

Sure, I wanted to write something fiercely intellectual about the recent issue of the New Yorker and it’s fawning homage to Bill Clinton, but I think I am coming down with something (seriously, the eyes are getting mucousy and blurry and my head and throat hurt) and I really just want to tuck myself under the covers with a gin and tonic. So, this is what you get. A Road House Quiz. Deal.

1. What is the City and State that this film takes place in?

a) Jasper, Missouri
b) Cooter, Missouri
c) Stye, Arkansas
d) Blamalama, Alabama

2. What is the first phrase of the Roadhouse theme song (as the camera pans the club)?

a) “Back on the Roadhouse, got some thunder loads.”
b) “Back on the Roadhouse, got some blunder toads.”
c) I was already drunk, I have no idea
d) All of the above

3. What makes the opening scene (the Double Deuce honky-tonk bar in rural America) completely and totally unbelievable? Careful! Choose the BEST answer.

a) the carefully orchestrated fights
b) the existence of people of color in the bar
c) not a single person vomiting from exposure to the music
d) relatively clean floors (for a bad-ass bar)

4. How many staples does Patrick Swayze get for his stab wound?

a) 5
b) 9
c) none–he just stared at the wound and it healed
d) I thought he was going to die and it was the end of the movie so I shut it off

5. Patrick Swayze, outy or inny?

a) inny
b) outy
c) none. he is the first, the only.
d) gross, I can’t think about it

6. Does Patrick Swayze come pre-greased?

a) yes
b) no

7. In the first scene between Dalton and the “doctor,” what phrase does the Kelly Lynch character say that is completely and totally cringe-worthy?

a) “Bleeding man-meat makes me hot.”
b) “4 out of 5 dentists surveyed recommend Trident gum to their patients who chew gum.”
c) “If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?”
d) “I hear you’re the new marshall in town.”

8. Does wearing big red glasses make you a more believable doctor?

a) yes
b) no
c) only when paired with baby blue doctor-type smockage and feigned concern

9. Pick the correct phrase from the following:

a) It’s pie day and surprise, eh.
b) It’s my way or the highway!
c) It’s my way, or you die, kay?
d) I’m high, turn off the lights.

10. Patrick Swayze, er, Dalton, likes to wear _____ when he practices his _____.

a) a merry widow, jujitsu
b) his shame on his sleeve, “craft”
c) high-waisted tight sweats that leave nothing to the imagination, tai chi
d) full fierce gear, fierce fighting moves

11. Dalton’s first conversation with the Kelly Lynch character, Elizabeth Clay, is:

a) painful
b) embarrassing
c) intellectually stimulating
d) a & b

12. What heinous atrocity does Kelly Lynch wear to her first visit to the Double Deuce? How does it make you feel?

13. Did you ever wear mock turtlenecks? How do you feel about it now?

14. The “director” of this film is “Rowdy” Roddy Piper, who wrestled in kilts:

a) true
b) false

15. The head musical act at the Double Deuce, “Jimmy,” is:

a) deaf
b) blind
c) retarded
d) all of the above

16. Jimmy is to Lass Bass as Dalton is to _____.

a) Justin Timberlake
b) Joey Fatone
c) Nick Lachey
d) that other Simpson sister

17. It is agreed among all film scholars that Jimmy’s fight scene in this movie is completely senseless and unbelievable, due to his handicaps. Believe it or not, this scene was edited in order to become more life-like and believable. What scenes do you think ended up on the cutting-room floor?

a) the handsprings into the opponent
b) the cartwheeled kicking-in of the faces of the bad guys
c) the pirouettes danced to that Foreigner song
d) the soft-shoe with a cane that was used to beat that bad guys ass when he was looking away

18. Dalton: Bouncer or Cooler?

a) bouncer
b) cooler
c) why are you setting up these false dichotomies?

19. Extra bonus point: Dalton’s character has a degree in _____ from _____.

a) home appliance maintenance, Sally Struthers
b) Philosophy, NYU
c) Kickin’ Ass, None of Your Goddamn Business

20. That whole Ford dealer scene with the Wilford Brimley character is merely:

a) a cry for help
b) filler
c) a reminder to eat god’s oats
d) a gratuitous use of a monster truck because guys like bug trucks

21. The next Kelly Lynch fashion atrocity is the whole “jeans-with-extreme-camel-toe” look. Once again, how does this make you feel? How do you think camels feel?

22. Dalton’s friend Garrett appears: Who is he supposed to be like?

a) Yoda
b) That Karate Kid teacher guy
c) Sting, in the movie Dune, wearing black leather underpants
d) A Pre-Angelina Jolie Billy Bob Thornton-type

23. WHY is Garrett?

a) to teach that men can hug and it’s ok.
b) to channel C. Everett Koop and remind you not to “eat the big white mint” in the urinal
c) to let you know that when a man you barely know unzips his pants in front of you, you just can’t help but giggle and agree to dance with him.
d) to give you new reasons to hate the song “All My Exes Live in Texas”

24. What atrocious skirt is Doctor Elizabeth Clay wearing in the Diner scene?

a) it has clowns on it
b) it has doggies on it
c) it has clams on it
d) I’m sorry I didn’t see it because my retinas exploded

25. In the “luv” scene between Dalton and Elizabeth, the song “These Arms Are Mine” by Otis Redding is completely desecrated and I can’t even talk about it anymore. What other aspects of the scene further pounded the nails into my heart?

a) his carrying her around/dancing with her on his, um, member, to the song
b) the fact that anyone would want to have sex with a woman wearing that white dress
c) that the thought crossed my mind, “Was she even wearing underwear? I didn’t see him take it off.” eewww.
d) all of the above and more

26. Garrett, wise sage, says that when a man sticks a gun in your face, you have but 2 choices. What are they?

a) cut n’ shoot
b) wash n’ dri
c) fuck and run
d) piss and shit
e) die or kill

27. In the next scene at the Double Deuce, the bleach blonde woman does a dance to a song I can only call “Hoochie Coochie Man Woman Gypsy Song,” because that’s pretty much what I heard and the sentiment. This kind of dance is:

a) interpretive
b) constipated
c) restricted in most forward-thinking, industrialized countries
d) deadly when combined with too many jello shots and and urge to kill

28. OK, then a whole bunch of other stuff happens and the closing music plays. Of the next two sets of lyrics, one set is line-for-line TRUE, the other is how I heard it. Which is which?

“Look out across the field
See me returning
Smoke is in your eyes
Your bra smiles.”

“For all eternity I think I will remember
The icy wind that’s howling in your eyes
You will see me in your time
In the waste land of your mind.”

29. The MORAL of Road House is:

a) killing people is funny
b) make sure the booze keeps flowin’
c) if you’re smart you’da pitched yer tent
d) maybe going to jen’s house to watch movies isn’t that important