Kittyprint Tuesdays: Reprise

Some of my long term readers may recognize the above photo as a repeat from a essay I posted last summer when I was feeling abandoned and lonely. I re-post the photo today because plus ca change, plus c’est la meme chose. Same shit, different day.

The other day I left a message at Coffee Rhetoric for a blogsister who is presently suffering a similar disaffection with men:

Oh, what to say, what to say! I could write a million blog posts on this subject. I’m in a similar place.

Magically speaking, the Universe will always (and I mean ALWAYS) cough up exactly what we need to learn the Lesson of the Day. It’s wildly responsive to our inner psychic states.

Sometimes the lessons are hard and need to be repeated.

I used to have a friend who liked to say “Do you want to come quietly or do you want the God/dess to rough you up first? You can learn the hard way, or the easy way.”

God I hated when he said that.

The Hedonistic Pleasureseeker is chock full of such good advice, oui? Do you think perhaps one day could learn to take it herself? They say the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results. By this definition I must be certifiable.

I give my fourteen-year-old daughter much advice about men, sex and dating. I started talking to her about sex when she was eleven because I wanted my advice to sink in before she decided I was an idiot. One of the things I like to say over and over again is that the way a man treats you after his orgasm is the way he really feels about you.

a) Does he zip up his pants and leave right away? Take the hint, honey: He doesn’t even like you. Don’t ever return his calls unless you share a similar contempt for him and don’t mind occasionally using his body.

b) Does he still want to spend time with you after the urge to have sex with you has passed? Does he still take an active interest in you and what’s going on in your life? This means he likes you as much as he likes your body.

c) Does he continue to pay a similar amount of attention and affection toward you as he did before you had sex? Does he cuddle you afterwards and make you breakfast the next morning? Does he call you afterwards to ensure a repeat performance? This means he’s interested in a continuing relationship with you. Not necessarily an exclusive one (don’t be fooled) but he’s liking this arrangement and is putting energy into making sure it continues.

d) Does he turn friendly but aloof, going about his everyday life without you, not terribly interested in your company? Does he treat you like another name on his mass-email distribution list until such time he feels like fucking you again? At his convenience? Honey, he just hit it and quit it. Didn’t you know his definition of a “female friend” is a woman he doesn’t have to pay to leave? Don’t expect to hear from him for awhile. The next time he comes sniffing around you will need to make a decision: Is he worth it? I suppose it will depend on the man, and whether or not the pleasure outweighs the pain.

So . . . was my recent liaison with Scorpio worth it? The jury is still out, but if I am to go by the way that I feel tonight all signs point to no. I always enjoy my time with him and the sex is usually pretty good, but the pleasure of the occasional one night stand does not outweigh the grief that comes from feeling completely blown off afterwards. When he treated me this way last summer I felt felt used and abandoned, angry and bitter, and eventually deeply depressed. I ended up telling him that if this was all he wanted – occasional, no strings attached sex – I’d just as soon skip it. So why did I think this time would be different? Because recently he put so much energy into appearing like he was genuinely interested in making me a meaningful part of his life again, that’s why. I wasn’t looking to be his girlfriend, but . . . Occasional Community Fuck Buddy #7 wasn’t exactly what I had in mind. Silly me.

Sigh. I suppose, if the Hedonistic Pleasureseeker is so fucking smart, she has no one to blame for her loneliness but herself. It is apparently time for a repeat of this particular Lesson of the Day:

If there is a significant difference between the energy a man projects toward you before sex and the energy he projects toward you afterwards, whatever he did or said to get you to have sex with him was either an act or a lie, or an energetic “fee” paid to you, a symbolic representation of your temporary worth to him.

No wonder every time I dumped my Scorpio I ranted at him about call girls: Never mind his personal habits or his “friends” he hooked up with during his frequent solo trips to Las Vegas, but sometimes the way he blew me off after our nights of passion made me wish I’d just gone ahead and demanded my four hundred bucks an hour. So pay me to leave then, asshole; I could use the coupla thousand bucks.

It’s a funny thing, though: When Andrew ignored me after my visits to Hollyweird I couldn’t give two shits, because I blew him off too. We were friends and lovers who went at it like rabbits: Literally, we’re talking 8 times a day; it was insane. I cared about him but I wasn’t in love with him; in fact I didn’t care if he called or if he even wanted to see me again. Same with other lovers I’ve known in the past.

So as to my ability to engage in casual, no-strings-attached sex? I suppose it depends on my emotional state and how I feel about the man. It appears that when it comes to certain men there is no such thing as casual with me, so there is no point in even trying to make it work. I’ll probably be much happier if I put Scorpio back into the Friend Zone. I’m sure he’ll understand. Actually, since he succeeded in getting into my pants he hardly comes to my blog anymore, so he probably won’t even notice . . . until the next time he comes sniffing around.