Doc and I spent a beautiful day together. We enjoyed a late lunch with his attorney, who apparently wanted to hire me for Doc’s new company. “When can you start?” he asked, grinning. I told him I had parenting responsibilities and couldn’t relocate and he spent more time than was necessary trying to convince me I could bring Bunny if I fought hard enough. Unfortunately (or fortunately), I’d already been down that road and knew better.
Several glasses of wine and a few appetizers later we bid adieu to the attorney and rolled into Doc’s house. We chatted for awhile in his kitchen until darkness fell. “Let’s go to bed,” he said.
I’m glad he suggested it; the last time I’d made love to a man was last year: To Scorpio, of course. Doc and I settled in to his room for what I hoped would be a long night.
“We’ll need condoms,” I advised.
Doc groaned. “God I hate them,” he said.
“I know, but we have to do it,” I said gently. “It’s the only way I’ll have sex.”
“I don’t have anything. I’m clean.”
I shrugged. “Oh well.”
He sighed. “I think I have one or two over there,” he reached into his night stand. “God I can’t wait until I never have to wear one of these again.”
I took over the job of putting it on him and smiled. Finally! I hopped on him greedily. And then . . .
. . . nothing. He went flaccid. Well, this is a new development, I thought; he’d been fine with the condoms the last time I came down to see him. Was it his age?
“I can’t wear these,” he complained, “Get it off me.”
I reached down, slipped off the condom and tossed it on the floor. “I suppose we’ll just have to do other things,” I said sweetly.
“MMMMMM . . . I like those other things you do.”
I enjoyed those “other things.” I know I’ve mentioned this before, but I can lay a man flat in fifteen seconds with those other things I can do. Unfortunately, Doc’s body was having none of them tonight. “Let’s just go to sleep,” he said. “This happens sometimes.”
We slept a lot that weekend. I still have not had sex yet this year.
16 responses so far ↓
bubbasnightmare // April 1, 2007 at 4:21 am
“Bad man. Bad Doc. No soup for you!”
This letdown (sorry, H!) reminds me of (another) Spider Robinson story. I read it years ago, and took the lesson to heart (with satisfying results):
A conversation between a human woman and a cyborg that looks human (although he’s almost 8′ tall).
W: “I think you’re hot. I’d like to drag you into bed.”
C: (uncomfortable) “You don’t even know if we’re sexually compatible.”
W: (with certainty) “I can see fingers, and a tongue. The rest is gravy.”
Doc, if he had been any kind of decent joe, would know this and perform accordingly. ‘Nuff said.
Blissfully Wed // April 1, 2007 at 5:27 am
Reminds me of the one time I found myself “shooting pool with a rope.” It was the fist time that had happened to me, but I couldn’t bring myself to use that tired excuse. So we just went to get some food, hear a band, and I redeemed myself later on.
Good luck with sex in 2007! (And good for you for being smart about condoms.)
~Him
Coffey // April 1, 2007 at 5:42 pm
Ugh. Spaghetti d*ck. Has happened to me twice in all my 29 years… once the cat was drunk, the second time was with a Turkish cat, who said he’d “never been with a black woman before” and was nervous… despite all his prior bragging.
Needless to say, nothing is a bigger turnoff than that affliction… particularly when you KNOW it’s not YOU. I know it made me feel as if I was wasting some valuable sexiness on an under performer.
octogalore // April 1, 2007 at 9:13 pm
You need someone in his 30s or 40s! 50+ guys are just not our (eg women in mid thirties to lower forties) physical equals. OK, gross overgeneralizing, but with some statistical accuracy. Wish you the absolute best in finding someone equal to you (or, in shooting distance, no pun intended).
BubbasNightmare // April 2, 2007 at 3:51 am
Octagalore, that all depends on the man, as you rightly stated.
Remember that age and experience can always keep up with youth and enthusiasm. Besides, men at 50 don’t have the quick release mechanism that younger men do.
|:o>
VJ // April 2, 2007 at 6:27 am
The numbers though clearly tell the tale BN. Age has it’s place, and in this respect that place is running ever behind, and getting ‘behinder’. Clinical experience tells us that perhaps 1/4 of men 45-50 have some persistent difficulties such as those described above. Over the age of 50 this number easily approaches 1/3 of all men, and is actually more likely to be about 50% of all prospects in any given trial the closer we all get to age 60. The numbers for this type of activity clearly do not favor ‘age & wisdom’, still your original thought is just fine, even for the non cyborg set: “I can see fingers, and a tongue. The rest is gravy.”
Still disappointment is disappointment, and the Doc should have come up with another game plan. Especially if he was any kind of a real ‘Doc’ too. And no, ‘I’m clean’ is not exactly a good come on in the bedroom. See also under ‘Naive declarations of passionate intent’, ‘Sure I’ll respect you in the morning…’ and ‘I’ll pull out, I promise!’ and the ever popular ‘But you know I love you…right?’ But I’m proabably dating myself here too. Cheers & Good Luck! ‘VJ’
morecowbell // April 2, 2007 at 6:41 am
Ooh, I was hoping for a different ending on that one.
yeah, ok, i know this is going to sound really shitty, but if I’m honest, that’s probably another factor in my sluggishness in hitting the dating field since returning to the states (see comment in your April Fool post). Overseas my dating pool consisted of guys who were younger than I, and physically fit. I didn’t really have a choice but to date younger guys. That wasn’t a good thin in every way, but physically, it was pretty damn good. Over here, I tend to get looks from guys older than I am, as the young hot firefighters here tend to date Barbies, and I am looking a lot less like Barbie the past few years, ha! Anyway, I hear from other women that the whole flaccid thing is evidently not so unusual; that Viagra for guys in their late 40s, definitely 50s is not so uncommon? OK, I know this is crappy, but I don’t think I’m ready to deal with that at this point. Not like I’m some prize, but jeez, am I seriously in that age bracket already? Seriously? How the fuck did that happen? Do I need to go back overseas? Is it just time to accept that my 30s are gone?
I haven’t had sex since last year either, girl. I think I need to go pick up a snazzy battery operated bedbuddy, sans Viagra. >sigh
hedonisticpleasureseeker // April 2, 2007 at 11:52 pm
Hmmmmmmm . . . Octogalore has me thinking! I just widened my age range to the 30-something set. Maybe younger men are where it’s at? I AM at my sexual peak, after all.
hedonisticpleasureseeker // April 3, 2007 at 10:44 am
More Cowbell: I hear ya! Have you tried the Hitachi Magic Wand?
BubbasNightmare // April 3, 2007 at 5:45 pm
All right, folks. I’ve got words here.
For those who find venting distasteful, you should stop here.
I conjure there’s no one here who is doing it intentionally, but frustration in me is growing because I’m hearing it from multiple mouths here and elsewhere, and I’ve grown weary of it. So I’ll be getting it off my chest.
I’m 51, and I’m not ready to be shuffled off to the “dinner-movie-and-peck-on-the-cheek-as-a-hot-date” crowd that many of my contemporaries have begun resigning themselves to, goddammit!
Yeah, the equipment doesn’t work as well as it used to (occasionally it doesn’t work much at all). And yeah, the outer wrapping isn’t what it used to be, but I’m in the middle of a remodel and new paint job, and recovering from a psychically-damaging ex-relationship.
However. My libido and imagination are as strong as they’ve ever been, and that’s more than most can say. I may not be able to lay ‘em flat in 15 seconds, but I’ve learned a delighting thing or two in my time that most 25-year-old men haven’t even heard of yet.
I just got back into this game, and I’m by heaven not gonna get benched for the time I’ve got left.
.
Sorry for the fuss; no finger-pointing intended. It’s difficult to give up the delights of the young (can’t drink like I used to), and I know none of you are trying to be intentionally hurtful. Just don’t write us 50+ guys off because you’ve run into some duds.
Vent done. It was difficult to write this. I’m finding people here that I genuinely like, and I don’t want to step on feelings. I’m not looking for sympathy or guilt–just a fair turn at bat.
(Cowbell: the Hitachi is not cheap, but highly recommended.)
hedonisticpleasureseeker // April 3, 2007 at 9:13 pm
Actually, Bubbas Nightmare: I dated a man in his early 60’s a few years ago, a Lebanese gentleman. He could party me under the table and his libido was nothing short of impressive. I’ve not seriously dated anyone under the age of 50 since my early 30’s. I like to say it’s because I prefer to date grownups
Dates Bubbas // April 3, 2007 at 11:10 pm
My ex-husband and most of my ex-boyfriends were significantly older than myself. After my last LT relationship, I found that I really enjoyed dating men my own age because we had a lot more in common. I haven’t found anything in any age category around here worth spending my time on lately, though.
VJ // April 4, 2007 at 12:48 am
‘By the lemonade springs the bluebird sings, in the Big Rock Candy Mountain’… Hopes & dreams spring eternal. I did not mean to be disagreeable towards anyone BN, I was just trying to state the facts as we know them. Still, you state your case well. There are many advantages of the older set, to which HP & many others are appreciative. Me, I prefer women in their 70’s & up to play with. You get better laughs, the conversation is often livelier, and you’ll always learn something about history. I had to consistently remind an older gal I knew, well into her 90’s, that when she got talking, ‘No Rose, that was the Kaiser’s war, you were thinking about the other German war. The little man with the broom sweep mustache..’ She of course had lived though both, only barely escaping Hitler. I’m strange like that. I find a compelling or interesting story & person intrinsically more interesting than a ’sweet hard body’ or a simple ‘fine rack’. Yes those are fine things too. Just not quite enough to last me more than a night.
But hey, can those Lebanese guys party! Too bad they’re now done in by Hez & others there. Cheers & Good Luck! ‘VJ’
morecowbell // April 5, 2007 at 6:46 am
Hitachi? Who knew? Don’t they make TVs or CD players? Must research … who couldn’t use a Magic Wand?
BN: thanks for the vent-viewpoint. That’s why I’m asking — I keep hearing depressing shit, and am just not ready to accept that things are really that dark. (Although that could be the lack of sunlight here leading to dark and crotchety feelings.) I can relate to your comment about not being ready to be shuffled off (goddamnit) into “that age bracket” stereotypes. Hell no! NoNoNO, that’s all I’m saying. Thanks for the enlightenment.
Incorrigible // April 9, 2007 at 8:15 pm
BubbasNightmare you’re coming off a tad hypocritical. If you’re 51 and disliking ageisms, considered looking for someone your own age.
HPS did I misread? Wasn’t your paramour very honest with you? No condom. That’s what deflated his interest. And it’s interest that pushes ability at all ages. Since I’m on a blame schtick here, I’ll also note that the problem with sex as described here is that men aren’t jackrabbits, who copulate and ejaculate immediately (so they don’t get eaten by a coyote, while in the act). You put on the condom and then put on the HPS? Errr…
Not only that, didn’t you use a condom for the other delelectable acts? You DIDN’T?????
Yours Motherly
I2
A Royal Mess, Part 2: Up Periscope « Hedonistic Pleasureseeker // August 5, 2007 at 9:23 pm
[...] was the Duke! I hasn’t spoken with him since the Doc debacle. “Omigod hey that’s really funny,” I laughed. “Thanks for the promotion. [...]
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