Premature Cynicism

“So was that the best ten seconds of your life or what?”

” . . . I guess.”

“I’m not usually like this.”

“Mm?”

(20 minutes pass)

“So was that the best fifteen seconds of your life or what?”

(me, giggling)

” . . . My god. I thought I’d do better the second time.”

“Don’t worry, it’s the story of my life.”

“Did you come?”

“Phhht!” (giggle)

“Didn’t think so.”

That’s the thing about men, and the reason why Samantha on Sex and the City was such an obviously fake character: No woman with the turbocharged sex drive of a Samantha would even put up with, let alone enjoy, a series of first time sexual encounters with a string of strange men. I don’t care how good looking they are.

Why? because 99% of the time with a woman – OK, 99% of the time with ME – a first time sexual encounter is a complete throwaway.

Relatively (and generally – YMMV*) speaking when it comes to orgasms men come too quickly and women come too slowly. Women are more likely to spend their grey matters bringing about their orgasms, while men are more likely to focus their mental efforts on preventing them; i.e., saying the alphabet backwards and such. Whole societies have emerged from this one simple difference between men and women. As a result women make men jump through hoops for sex for a very good reason: We want to make sure a man is going to stick around long enough to make us happy, in bed and out. We also want to be sure that we feel like letting him try.

Many a man has mused that if he woke up one morning with the body of a beautiful woman he’d do two things: 1) Stare in the mirror and masturbate all day and 2) fuck like a weasel anything that moves. Well guess what, guys: No you wouldn’t! If you had the body of a woman sure, you’d spend much of the day staring in the mirror, anxiously seeking out your flaws and trying to fix them. And sex? After a handful of sexual disasters with One-Minute Wonders you’d become just as picky as the rest of us. Think about it guys: The appeal of a one night stand evaporates when you realize that 1) The whole encounter starting from nekkid is likely to last 5 minutes tops, and 2) the odds of your getting off from it are about .01%.

For a woman, step two after the throwaway first time sexual encounter is to 1) decide whether or not a man is “trainable” (so to speak) and 2) if she even wants to bother. It might seem odd that the quality of the first-time sexual encounter rarely plays into this decision, but be glad for it: If we ladies used “Skill In Bed” as the yardstick by which we measured a man’s sexual or relationship potential, most men would never get a second chance!

Personally, I measure a man’s potential by the intellectual, emotional and physical chemistry that we enjoy before, during AND after sex, however long it lasts. The assessment begins from “Hello” and doesn’t end until the kiss goodbye. And – seriously – it’s something you can almost never fake.

So, does Mr. Redford get a second chance? I’m still thinking about it, just not too hard. We’ll see how things go.

*YMMV= “Your Mileage May Vary”