“Look at us! This is where we ended our very first date, remember? I was brave enough to come to your house.” I laughed. “I actually trusted you.”

Scorpio laughed. “I haven’t been in this thing for years.” I was amazed we were able to get into the hammock without spilling the wine.

We settled in for a beautiful sunset over Scorpio’s lake. “So anyway, like I was saying I’m cutting down on my communications costs,” I said. “I’m getting rid of Verizon. They’re too expensive, plus they’re a bunch of spies. I hate them. I’ll spend the money I save on, well, I’ll spend it on gas, I guess.”

Scorpio took a sip of his wine. “I was thinking about getting rid of my land line too,” he said. “I don’t really need it.”

“I was thinking about getting a laptop. Maybe it will help me get out more. All I ever do is homework and blog. I have no life. I mean, at least with a laptop I could do my homework someplace interesting, like the beach or Starbucks or something. Maybe meet some new people for a change.”

“Uh huh.”

I sighed, and we rocked in silence for a moment. I knew it was a copout to blame my classes for my lack of a social life. I had stopped taking the Zoloft and was as painfully shy as I’d always been. The very thought of putting my dating profile online again exhausted me: I hated meeting complete strangers after work, after dark, at one watering hole after another after another after another. Unfortunately I knew it was the only way I’d ever meet anyone outside my present social circle, which was embarrassingly small, and mostly married.

“Maybe I just need to get out more.”

He didn’t say anything.

I almost regretted saying it. I was jealous of Scorpio: He was having another blast of a summer at his shore home, socializing with his new friends and dating other women, while I, too financially constrained to engage in any but the most mundane local activities, and too shy to put myself on display anyway, stayed at home with my nose in a book. My stolen moments with Scorpio during the week were the only sex life I’d had for over a year.

I backed things up a bit. “Maybe I’ll buy a Mac this time.” In a year or two. When I can afford it.

“Hm.”

“You’re not listening to a word I’m saying, are you?

“What?”

I laughed. “You’re just laying there looking at my tits, aren’t you?”

He laughed. “Well you’re putting them in my face, what do you expect?”

I adjusted myself, settling into the crook of his arm, my head on his shoulder, trying not to rock the hammock and spill his wine. Here we were in the same hammock we rocked in on our first date. It’s as if we’ve gone full circle. Five years later and here we are.

“They’re beautiful. How can I not stare?”

I could just get up and go right now, and it would be almost . . . poetic.

“They’re like kryptonite to me, you know that, don’t you?”

But I’m so comfortable. I buried my nose into his armpit and breathed deeply.

He shook his head. “You don’t understand.”

He smells so good. Damn it.

It was getting dark, and the mosquitoes had made their appearance, but I didn’t say anything. We both took deep breaths and rocked. Finally he spoke up. “Want to go inside? I murmered an affirmative and swung my feet over the side of the hammock, then held his glass while he did the same. We took each other’s hands as we walked up the hill to his house.

Just one more time.

Vagina Spa Opens in New York

Now comes the first medi spa in Manhattan wholly dedicated to strengthening and grooming a woman’s genital area. Phit — short for pelvic health integrated techniques — is to open this month on East 58th Street.

Dr. Lauri Romanzi, a gynecologist who performs pelvic reconstruction surgery, said she came up with the idea for the spa one day while walking by an outlet of BriteSmile, the tooth-whitening chain. She liked that the stores cater to people with healthy teeth.

The spa is essentially a gussied-up examination room down the hall from Dr. Romanzi’s medical practice. At the spa, the signature treatment will be a $150 gynecological exam — in which a client contracts her pelvic muscles around Dr. Romanzi’s fingers — to determine by feel whether muscle tone is weak, moderate or strong.

And here I thought Americans had already achieved the pinnacle of narcissism. Is it really possible that women have gotten so LAZY that they’re outsourcing their Kegel exercises? Is the Apocalypse at hand? Honestly, I don’t believe it necessary that we ape Rome during it’s epic fall.

Besides, this is what intimate friends are for: To be personal trainers for our privates. Frankly, I think this kind and level of personal service requires a house call. Failing that a resourceful woman can just pull up her Puss-n-Bootstraps and use her own fingers. The DIY approach is easy and free.

I wonder: Will the good Doctor be holding Kegel aerobics classes? (I can see it now: “Come on, girls, squeeze! Squeeze! One two three four!”). She might as well go all the way and hold pong ball distance competitions and “throat pilates” while she’s at it. Any doctor specializing in something so asinine as “vaginal rejuvenation” is likely to be of the “alter your pussy to fascinate your man” mindset. If she’s going to devote her career to insulting women’s vaginas she might as well go all the way.

What’s she gonna call the place, Spagina? She should pipe Barry White muzak throughout the spa: “It feels so good . . . Oh, what a groove You have no idea how it feels, My hands just won’t keep still . . . Oh baby oh baby . . .”

Men, inquire within as to the availability of towel boy and technician internships.

Western Brothel

Sydney brothels say Pope’s visit will give business a leg-up

“We know the kind of people who visit prostitutes and adult shops, many of them do it because of their own personal repression,” Eros spokesman Robbie Swan told AFP. “And often it’s because of religion.”

“Our industry is the forbidden fruit industry.”

“A leg up.” HAHAHAHA.

Sydney, Australia is preparing for a visit by Pope Benedict XVI and hundreds of thousands of Catholics, the city’s brothels are hiring, as they fully expect a big surge in demand for sex.

I am not surprised. Brothels also see a huge surge at Republican conventions, especially from the Family Values crowd. Democratic conventions also offer a boost to the brothel business, only less of it on all levels: Fewer numbers, and not so kinky. The Family Values crowd, on the other hand, can be pretty freaky.

Hypocrisy? “Sex for me, but not for thee?” Pathological self-loathing? Absolutely, but it’s more than that: Obsessions manifest themselves along the whole sexual spectrum, in ways that can be damn near poetic: For instance, see the man out by the public square, waving a placard and railing against teh gayz and yelling they’re all going to Hell? He’s probably gay.

Nation Buys Porn With Stimulus Package

An independent market-research firm, AIMRCo (Adult Internet Market Research Company), has discovered that many websites focused on adult or erotic material have experienced an upswing in sales in the recent weeks since checks have appeared in millions of Americans’ mailboxes across the country.
According to Kirk Mishkin, Head Research Consultant for AIMRCo, “Many of the sites we surveyed have reported 20-30% growth in membership rates since mid-May when the checks were first sent out, and typically the summer is a slow period for this market.”

( It’s Melon Girl!)

Is it time for you guys to DECLARE YOUR INDEPENDENCE?

Watermelon May Have Viagra-Effect

Science Blogs
Mon, 2008-06-30 14:32

A cold slice of watermelon has long been a Fourth of July holiday staple. But according to recent studies, the juicy fruit may be better suited for Valentine’s Day.

That’s because scientists say watermelon has ingredients that deliver Viagra-like effects to the body’s blood vessels and may even increase libido.

“The more we study watermelons, the more we realize just how amazing a fruit it is in providing natural enhancers to the human body,” said Dr. Bhimu Patil, director of Texas A&M’s Fruit and Vegetable Improvement Center in College Station.

“We’ve always known that watermelon is good for you, but the list of its very important healthful benefits grows longer with each study.”

Beneficial ingredients in watermelon and other fruits and vegetables are known as phyto-nutrients, naturally occurring compounds that are bioactive, or able to react with the human body to trigger healthy reactions, Patil said.

In watermelons, these include lycopene, beta carotene and the rising star among its phyto-nutrients – citrulline – whose beneficial functions are now being unraveled. Among them is the ability to relax blood vessels, much like Viagra does.

(more)

I was greeted by a stiffie this morning. Unfortunately it was NOT the kind I like. So, now that I’ve made it through the day, Advil or margarita? Never do both.

HMM. Margarita. Definitely. Still not the stiff one I’m in the mood for, but it will do.

There is something about this predatory dress that screams TOO MUCH COUGAR TRYING TOO HARD!!! Back to the boutique it goes . . . good thing I didn’t take off the tags . . .

Lesson for the Day: NEVER shop for clothes if you are sexually aroused AND have bad PMS. What was I thinking?

As interest in the medical side of female sexuality grows, an expanding array of herbal remedies with names like “Exotica” and “Steel Libido” are also hitting drugstore shelves and showing up in spam advertising. Many of them are minimally effective and loaded with irritants like orange oil and menthol. But a few herbal remedies have shown promising results in clinical trials. Some doctors say Zestra, a homeopathic mixture of botanical oils can create a tingling sensation and increase blood flow to genitals. They’re also suggesting ArginMax, an amino acid supplement that may increase blood flow to the genitals.

- Wall Street Journal: His and Hers Sex Drugs

First, a caveat: I don’t think a low sex drive is a “problem” unless the person experiencing it thinks it’s a problem. For instance, if I go more than a week or two without sex at first I suffer horrible feelings of loneliness and deprivation, but then my body just shuts down and I just stop giving a shit. I’m actually a little relieved by that point. Sometimes I think this thing with Scorpio feels like kicking a drug habit over and over and over.

Still, there are people in active relationships who are seriously bummed out by the mismatches in their sex drives. I figure if there’s a chemical intervention that can them singing the same tune, whether it be saltpeter or testosterone or Viagra, well, mazeltov!

Personally, I found Wellbutrin kicked my sexuality into hyperdrive, to the point where my romps with Scorpio, became spectacularly . . . uh . . . messy. Who knew? Unfortunately, now that we hardly ever see each other anymore it all just went pfffft. Meh, that means less laundry and less stress, I suppose. The right man will kick it into gear again someday. For the rest of you seekers, however . . . You GO, GIRLS!

PRESCRIPTION DRUGS:

Testosterone (AndroGel, Testim and products mixed for women at specialty pharmacies). Known as the “hormone of desire,” it’s prescribed for women who complain of low sex drive. Not approved by the FDA for use by women. Has many unpleasant side effects including hair growth, muscle mass increase and deepening of the voice.

Wellbutrin (Bupropion): An anti-depressant without the libido dulling effects. It may also boost sexual thoughts in women who are not depressed. The drug is currently being prescribed to replace or counteract other antidepressants.

Viagra/Levitra: Both drugs increase blood flow to the genital areas, which some doctors say could improve “engorgement” in women. Approved by the FDA only for men. Initial studies of Levitra in women have been “disappointing” according to its maker.

FemRing/Topical Estrogen: A silicon ring that is inserted into the vagina and releases estrogen. Used to treat menopausal symptoms, including vaginal dryness. Topical estrogen products, including Etrace and Vagifem, have similar effects.

NON-PRESCRIPTION REMEDY

Zestra: A lotion containing ingredients like borage seed oil, evening primrose oil, and coleus extract that creates a tingling sensation. Claims to increase blood flow and “nerve velocity.” The treatment has been through a small clinical trial and some doctors say the results stand up to scrutiny.

Laydees! The next time you summon the energy to drive into the city and offer yourself up as a consumable item to a man who does his tail shopping online, try this:

Adopt the regulation drag by wearing a clingy-yet-modest knit dress, high heels and long hair, full makeup, perfume, the works. Try not to calculate the ROI on all this effort; just treat it like the state lottery in that you know you’re frittering your life away one dollar, one thought, one calorie at a time but maybe . . . maybe . . . you may hit an emotional or physical jackpot someday.

Hey. It could happen.

On your way to meet Mr. Maybe, be sure to totter past a construction site or the local salt lick. Smile at the whistles and the “Hey! Miss! Hey! Hey!” That way, should your date turn out to be a total bore you at least know that hey, you still “got it.” The day wasn’t a total waste of makeup. You won’t break even by a long shot, energetically speaking, but you’ll need that little ego boost during the long ride home.

Found at Heathens Online. “Love it!”

We sat at the bar at one of our old Saturday night haunts, an elegant chop house two towns away. We were barely sober enough to drive as we’d just drunk nearly three quarters of a bottle of champagne at his house.

Scorpio: So you’re having the Kobe?* Again?

Me: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM yummy. Kobe burger mmmm burrrrrgerrrrrrr . . .

Scorpio: We’re here and you want a burger. Such a waste of good meat.

Me: Oh no way. I can taste the difference. It’s incredible.

Scorpio: Really.

Me: Oh, yeahhhhhhhhh . . .

He shook his head and began to chat with an older gentleman who approached us from the other side of the bar. Scorpio is a local businessman so everywhere we go he always runs into people he knows, or at least people who know who he is, and this time was no different. He did his social thing, shaking hands and chatting and sometimes wondering who are these people anyway? He watched the men talk to my breasts and thought it was funny. As usual I was completely clueless, distracted by the basketball game on the TV behind the bar.

Later he smiled at me while I murmured sweet nothings to my burger and swooned over my Concord grape flavored martini.

Scorpio: You’re going to blog this, aren’t you?

Me: Of course.

Scorpio: And the rest? Later?

Me: That’s up to you (wink).

We were home before 9:00, which made me chuckle because we typically stagger home at around midnight, if not later, after hitting a bar or a club. Were we getting old? Oh, weren’t we all. Then again, Scorpio had a beautiful home on the lake, a scrumptious king sized bed, and the best champagne in the world. Perhaps we came home early because we had our priorities straight.

We never did finish the champagne.

*Kobe beef comes from an ancient stock of cattle called “kuroge Wagyu” (black haired Japanese cattle). Today they are raised on only 262 small farms, most of which pasture fewer than five cows, and the largest of which run only 10 to 15 animals.

Each animal is pampered like a spoiled child. Their diets are strictly controlled and during the final fattening process, cattle are fed hefty quantities of sake and beer mash. Each animal gets a daily massage. The theory is that mellow, relaxed cows make good beef.

I’m flabbergasted by this Elliot Spitzer Hookergate fiasco, not so much by Spitzer but by our media’s reaction to it. It’s as if we’re all now rubbernecking while driving past a train wreck. You don’t want to look, but you have to look. However, at least with accidents when your turn to look is over you just keep on driving! So why are we parked? It’s as if the airwaves are fixated on this one thing to the exclusion of everything important going on in the world.

I was at Huffington Post today and 90% of the articles were about hookers. WTF? Talk about Weapons of Mass Distraction; it’s Prostitute Central at Huffington Post this week! I can see one, maybe two stories about Spitzer’s fall from grace, but fifteen or twenty articles and blog posts about how to hire one, how to pay them, how to blame the wife for it, what hotel, what’s her name . . . WTF? Even NPR and the BBC - the BBC!!!! Halfway around the world!!!! were covering Spitzergate every 10 to 15 minutes or so.

Why would a man of Elliot Spitzer’s stature, especially that of a moral Enforcer very much in the public eye, take such risks? Why indeed? Then again, why James Bakker? Why Jimmy “I have sinned” Swaggart? Why Hugh Grant, who was shagging Elizabeth Hurley for God’s sake, why? Hubris, denial, a feeling of being above the law and untouchable are definitely signs mental illness. Unfortunately there’s a lot of it going around these days.

What does $5500 get you from the Red Light District these days? Besides young and pretty I don’t really know, except there’s a pretty good chance that whatever a Rich John Doe wants will end with him clapping his hands, spreading out his arms in a jaunty fashion and crying out, “The Aristocrats!” At least it should, for that kind of money. I’d prefer not to wonder what “he likes things that aren’t safe” means. Please don’t tell me.

Call me a dull girl, but I wanted to read about the REAL back story, because the ringleader of this cat house was found with TWO Israeli passports. This whole scandal smells like the McGreevy and Lewinsky and Gannon scandals, all of which involved Israeli intelligence. Besides the False Flag terror attack, sexual blackmail and extortion are Mossad specialties. Did Spitzer piss off AIPAC or the World Jewish Council? Was he investigating the wrong Jew? Now THAT would be news. All the Hookergate hoopla made me wonder what else was going on in the world that they didn’t want us to see.

I suppose it pretty well sums up the state of the news making business these days: Bread and Circuses, everyone on TV is a prostitute and don’t look at the man behind the curtain. Whatever. Frankly, if I want to snicker all day long about extraordinarily well-paid call girls who “love” their work I go to Wonkette.

Speaking of Wonkette, one of their operatives mentioned that Spitzer looks like the Phone Muppet, and you know what, he’s right! You can even play this mp3 for a little trip down memory lane. OR, you can just go to YouTube and see the original:

I find the most interesting photographs on MySpace . . .

While observant Jewish women run around town like maniacs, working their butts off preparing home, hearth and temple for yet ANOTHER labor intensive religious holiday, their men attend to Priority Number One: Their dicks. Business as usual, in other words.

A way has been found to prevent Viagra from coming into contact with the body

A leading Israeli rabbi has ruled that the anti-impotency pill Viagra can be taken by Jews on Passover, reversing a previous ban. Viagra had been deemed not kosher since 1998 under strict dietary laws over the week-long Jewish spring holiday.

Rabbi Mordechai Eliahu said the pill can be swallowed if it is encased in a special soluble kosher capsule first.

Viagra’s Israeli manufacturers said they sought an answer after receiving queries from worried religious men.

(read the rest here)